Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes Biography
Here are some Thanksgiving quotes in a lighter vein. These quotes are witty remarks about our attitude towards Thanksgiving. Look at the humorous side with these funny thanksgiving quotes.
George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.

Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.

It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.

Russell Baker

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with 'gourmet' status.

Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Johnny Carson

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Anonymous

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~ Erma Bombeck

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. ~ Rita Rudner

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. ~ Irv Kupcine

I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. ~ Kevin James

Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey — until Thanksgiving. ~ Mike Connolly

Here I am 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt. ~ Roseanne Barr

I celebrated Thanksgiving in the traditional way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house; we had an enormous feast. And then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. ~ George Carlin

You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” ~ Dylan Brody

It wasn’t easy telling my family that I’m gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving. It was very Norman Rockwell. I said, “Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?” She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed. ~ Bob Smith

What we’re talking about it a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~ Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, “How long has Mom been drinking like this?” My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, “Here, kitty, kitty.” ~ David Letterman

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. ~ Johnny Carson

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey plump,

May your potatoes and gravy have not a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

~Amen and pass the gravy!~

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes